Nicki Hopkins shares the pain of losing her husband David (known to his loved ones as Did) and how building his legacy with the love of family is helping her move forward…
This time of year is very difficult – 1st September is the anniversary of Did’s diagnosis with a brain tumour and the day our lives changed for ever.
Niki, Sydney and Did
My mind goes back to four years ago in the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic, when we’d not long got back from a wonderful family holiday in Croatia. It was in between lockdowns and we’d jumped at the chance to go away – being a family who absolutely love going on holiday.
The first sign that anything was wrong with Did was after we got home from Croatia. He was playing badminton with his eldest daughter Lydia and noticed a flicker in his eye. A couple of days later, Did was out running and became disorientated for a while, not sure in which direction he should be heading.
Did
During the August Bank Holiday weekend, he and our daughter Sydney went to Uncle Henry’s – a farm café near us – and Did experienced an intense piercing pain in his head when getting out of the car. He’d already been to see the GP about the dull headaches he was having, but they had been put down to blood pressure or possible migraines and blood tests were scheduled for after the Bank Holiday.
On 1st September, Did rang me from work to tell me he really wasn’t feeling right. I told him to come home and I would take him to hospital, which he readily agreed to. This was worrying in itself because Did never wanted to go to see the GP, let alone go to hospital.
Did, Dylan, Lydia, Sydney and Niki on a Chelsea stadium tour
Due to COVID restrictions, I was forced to drop Did off at the entrance to A&E and leave him to go in alone, but not without making him promise to tell the doctors everything.
Later I was collecting Sydney when Did rang to ask me to take her to Mum’s and to come to the hospital with an overnight bag.
I rang the bell for his ward and Did came out. He stood before me in the hospital corridor with tears in his eyes and such sadness and then delivered the gut-wrenching news that he had a brain tumour, which turned out to be a glioblastoma (GBM). It was awful that he’d had to learn about his diagnosis on his own and now I was hearing the same with no support from medical staff or the ability to ask questions.
It was so horrific that ever since, just thinking about that experience is a real struggle because I find myself starting to relive the trauma.
Did in hospital
Did was somebody who was always determined to live life to the full and that has inspired us as a family and even brought us closer together. We’ve learnt that we have to do what’s right for us at the time and if we have a bad day, that’s OK too. There are no time limits on the grieving process. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just think about what’s best for ourselves. We have to accept that some days won’t be so good and we just need to be kind to each other. It’s definitely made me a kinder and better person.
There isn’t a day that goes by when we don’t talk about Did and I love it when someone sends me new photos of him that I’ve never seen before, or I find out things I never knew. I love my Facebook memories too!
I’ve certainly had to build up my strength and resilience for the kids and I wonder whether, if it hadn’t been for them, things would have been very different for me. I’ve had to carry on, especially with Sydney, who was just eight when Did was diagnosed – Did’s children Dylan and Lydia were then 23 and 20 respectively.
Dylan and Did
I remember Sydney turning 10, just the week after Did died, and having to carry on with celebrating her birthday – I had no choice. Did always put family and his children first – he was an unbelievable dad. He loved watching football and made regular visits to watch Chelsea matches with Dylan and on Wednesday nights would play badminton with Lydia. And he helped me to love life so much, but especially family.
Taking up yoga in January 2022 has helped me massively. I still go to the same lady along with Lydia. It’s been amazing for us. And I continue to practice yoga at home which I find very calming as it not only keeps my physically fit, but it’s also like an active meditation.
Did with Lydia
Losing Did meant I had to change my job because previously I had a role which took me all over the country and that just wouldn’t work for someone who needed to be both Mum and Dad to the family. Now I’m very happy to be a teaching assistant in a local college and able to do school runs and be around in school holidays. Just as well as Sydney keeps me busy!
Also helping us in our grief, was setting up the Fundraising Group Team Hopkins, Winning for Did, which has given us something positive to focus on, knowing that we’re helping to change outcomes for brain tumour patients and bring hope to families in the future. We desperately need changes to happen in terms of kinder, more effective treatments. Did didn’t want other people to go through what he was going through and especially couldn’t reconcile the thought that kids with brain tumours were having to endure the same gruelling treatment as him.
Niki with Holly Mumby-Croft at No 10
It has been good to work with Hugh Adams at the charity on campaigning for more funding from the Government. I have attended many meetings of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Brain Tumours (APPGBT) and was pleased to enlist the support of Holly Mumby-Croft, who was my MP until the recent election, even getting to meet the then Prime Minister Rishi Sunak at 10 Downing Street.
In the first year after Did died, Team Hopkins raised more than £50,000 – enough to sponsor 18 days of research. With Did’s and my 50th birthdays falling next year, I’m looking to organise a walk during March (Brain Tumour Awareness Month), which Did’s dad has already agreed to help organise.
Having counselling after Did’s loss, helped me realise that everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I had thought that grief was something you “got over” or “moved on from”, but now, for me and our family, I class it as “moving forward, keeping Did with us in all we do." The reason we are all grieving is because we all loved Did so much and if love could have saved him, he’d be with us now.
Niki and Did
To donate to Team Hopkins – Winning for Did go to www.justgiving.com/campaign/teamhopkinswinningfordid
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