During Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, Laura Kurtul, who set up a Fundraising Group called Tay’s Tribe, talks about coping with grief after losing a child and what others can do to help…
On 9th February this year, our sweet, loving, beautiful boy, Taylan passed away, aged six, just eight months after his diagnosis with a medulloblastoma. His daddy Toygun and I were with him, telling him how much we love him and how we would be there with him forever, never letting go.
Tay was our only child and the light of our lives. He was bright, energetic and sporty with so much love for his family and friends. A popular boy at school, he thrived in every subject with maths and science his favourites – but he also had a wonderful appreciation for nature, and he was Lego-obsessed.
The pain of having to carry on life without him is indescribable and there is no fixing it. It feels like the pain gets worse every day, that the grief gets stronger. I am in utter disbelief, unable to process it, let alone come to accept that I’ve lost Tay.
It feels like I’m never going to get over his passing but, bizarrely, I no longer fear anything anymore – except for the future without Tay. To me there’s nothing worse than what we’ve experienced. The worst has happened and changed my whole perspective on life.
Thankfully, although our relationship suffered while Tay was going through treatment, Toygun and I now need each other more than ever and are closer than ever. We are each other’s rocks, even if sometimes we clash because everyone grieves in a different way.
It’s just as well we are there for each other because there really isn’t enough support for parents who’ve lost children – that’s why having a good support network is so important. Grief is huge and extremely lonely.
However, I’ve found that people can act very strangely when it comes to the bereaved. Sometimes the friends you think will be there for you, aren’t there at all and, on the other hand, there are people who come into your life when you’ve experienced a huge loss and want to be there for you and with you every step of the way.
It can be quite painful when people you know well aren’t comfortable about talking about Tay, let alone mentioning his name, perhaps because they don’t want to upset me. They need to realise that I’m thinking about him every second of every day and I want to keep his memory alive. I probably will get upset, but that’s OK – I get upset all the time. I don’t want people to be embarrassed. I want the opportunity to talk about him and for people to be able to allow me that and to listen.
I see parents on social media sharing memories and photos of their lost children – talking about how incredible or how beautiful they are. They’re just normal children in normal families. It’s so heartbreaking that brain tumours can strike anyone. It’s great to be able to connect with others who’re going through the same experience because they can get where you’re at immediately. People who don’t know the pain of losing a child can’t fully understand unless they’ve been through it.
In our society, we’re not educated about how to support people who are bereaved so I believe it should be part of the national curriculum as we’re all going to come across others who are grieving at certain points in our lives. Those who are bereaved can’t just “crack on” and it can be really hurtful seeing people you know crossing the road to avoid a conversation. We all need the tools to be able to support others when they need it most – and often this can just simply be being there to listen.
Setting up Tay’s Tribe under the umbrella of Brain Tumour Research is giving me a focus and bringing me some comfort. The Fundraising Group is a way to keep Tay’s name alive, while fundraising for research to help improve outcomes for patients and their families because brain tumours show no mercy to the young or the old.
TayFest, our first official event as a Fundraising Group, in June this year, was incredible, raising close to £6,000 so we’re going be making it an annual event. We’ve got lots of ideas for next year which will make it bigger and better!
Meanwhile it’s very special to me, particularly because of Tay’s love of nature, that Fosse Meadows Country Park in Hinkley has created Tay’s Trail for children to follow and learn about Tay and his story.
I’m no longer living with Tay, but I am living for him and looking at things through Tay’s eyes. Nature helps me to feel closer to him as does spending time with his friends. We also decided to choose a golden retriever puppy, which we called Max, for Tay’s seventh birthday in July, having made Tay so happy when we surprised him with his cat Nala for his fifth birthday. He had a real love for animals.
It’s so important for me to raise awareness and keep Tay’s name alive, while creating his legacy. He was so loved and such a popular little boy. When you’re grieving your world just stops, but for everyone else they’re moving on and I’m worried Tay will be forgotten.
You can help to keep Tay’s memory alive by supporting Tay’s Tribe and donating to www.justgiving.com/campaign/taystribe
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Published on 5th September 2024